I HAD a DREAM I WAS DRIVING a MINI-PICK UP TRUCK and SAW SOME FRIENDS and STOPPED to GIVE THEM a RIDE …

THEN I WOKE UP and THAT’S WHEN the “DREAM” STARTED …

I DO NOT EVEN OWN a TRUCK … BUT WHO DID I “KNOW” WHO HAD a TRUCK and WHERE WOULD THEY TAKE ME TOO IN MY “DREAM” …

THE “ANSWER” SEEMED PRETTY “OBVIOUS” SO IT “TOOK A LITTLE TRIP” …

PICK UP TRUCK DELIVERY? … OBVIOUSLY FRED and LAMONT SANFORD AND SON POPPED UP …

NATURALLY, I COULD “RELATE”, GROWING UP IN WHITE SUBURBIA …

I MEAN, HERE ARE TWO “ENTREPRENUERS” in BUSINESS TOGETHER, WORKING-CLASS PROLETARIAN “HERO-s” WHO were “COMMUNITY ORGANIZERS” through the “SALVAGE” BUSINESS …

WOULD THEY TAKE ME BACK to ‘THE YARD”? … WOULD GRADY BE THERE? I LOVED THAT GUY. DON’T ASK ME ABOUT ME ABOUT “AUNT ESTHER” THOUGH … AND DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT “ROLLO” … I NEVER REALLY “GOT” THAT GUY OR THOUGHT HE WAS VERY FUNNY, BUT WHAT DID I KNOW, I WAS JUST A GOOFY SHIT KID STUCK WATCHING 1970s to “LEARN ABOUT the WORLD” …

WHERE WOULD THIS STRANGE TRUCK RIDE TAKE ME? …

TO MY GREAT SURPRISE IN MY 70s SIT-COM DREAM?

A “DEEE-LUXE” APARTMENT in the SKY …

SO WE PULL UP to ‘THE EAST SIDE” … TO SEE GEORGE, “WEEE-SEEE” and THAT CRAZY “FLORENCE” … WOULD SHE OPEN the DOOR …

WOULD THAT ENGLISH GUY BE OUTSIDE in the HALL? … OR WITH THAT MIXED-RACE COUPLE with their kid LENNY KRAVITZ be with them?

ANYHOW, I NEEDED SOME CLEAN CLOTHES SO THEY TOOK ME TO THEIR CLEANERS …

THANK GOD, WE DID NOT END UP at “THE BUNKERS” with ‘MEATHEAD” … THAT WOULD HAVE SUCKED …

BUT “MAGICALLY” WE DID STOP BY THIS PLACE FOR SOME “DIFFERENT STOKES”

THE OLD WHITE GUY IN CHARGE WAS COOL, and HIS ADOPTED KIDS WERE HIT and MISS.

I MEAN, THAT LITTLE BLACK MIDGET DUDE and RAN FOR GOVERNOR was BOTH “HEEE-LAR-IOUSSSSS” and CIVIC MINDED …

UNLIKE HIS KID STAR TELEVISION SIBLINGS WHO ENDED UP in PRISON …

“WHAT YOUUUU TALKING ‘BOUT WILLIS”? … SNAP …

AS A WHITE GUY, I ADMIT “CRAZY WHITE GIRLS” WITH DRUG HABITS are NOT VERY APPEALING. I MEAN, WOULDN;T YOU BE a LITTLE “LEERY” OF DISTURBED WHITE GIRLS on CRACK and CRIME SPREES?

WHAT IF SHE INTRODUCED to HER “FRIEND” WHO RAN “The LOVE BOAT” SNORTING ALL THAT COCAINE?

A POTENTIAL 1970s DISASTER WAITING to HAPPEN …

BUT WHAT IF SHE INTRODUCED ME TO “CHARO”? – MY TRUE DREAM COME TRUE … I MEAN I LOVE PLAYING GUITAR and SHE is a WORLD-CLASS GUITAR PLAYER … WAAAIT … WHY WOULD YOU THINK … OOOPS … NEVER MIND

SO WE ENDED UP IN 1970s CHICAGO FOR SOME “GOOD TIMES”

I HAD NEVER BEEN to CHICAGO BEFORE , BUT MY DAD WAS a WHITE SLAVIC GUY from the SOUTH SIDE WHO MOVED to CALIFORNIA and MARRIED MY MOM, THANK GOD, TO ESCAPE THAT “HELL HOLE” …

NOTHING PERSONAL, BUT ‘”GHETTO LIFE” DID NOT SEEM TOO “FUNNY” …

DON’T GET ME WRONG … THAT “J.J.” WAS HIII-lar-ius … HIS SISTER WAS REAALY HOT … and “WINONA” SEEMED PETTY INTERESTING …

BUT MAYBE IT’S JUST ME … LIVING in a HIGH-RISE TENEMENT in the GHETTO in COLD-A## CHICAGO JUST DOES NOT SPELL “FUNNY” to ME … BUT MAYBE that’s BECAUSE I GET “CLAUSTROPHIC” and DO NOT MUCH “LIKE” CONCRETE “URBAN ASPHALT JUNGLES” … WHICH PROBABLY EXPLAINS WHY I VENTUALLY MOVED to LOS ANGELES … BUT ANYHOW …

WE LEFT CHICAGO … and ENDED UP in MINNESOTA … at a LITTLE HOUSE on the PRAIRIE … I TALKED THAT “ANGEL GUY” WHO RODE HIS HORSE ON “BONANZA” FOR A WHILE UNTIL HE DIED of CANCER on the JOHNNY CARSON SHOW …

HE HAD A COUPLE OF DAUGHTERS in MINNESOTA, WHOM I DID NOT WANT TO CATCH “COOTIES” FROM. AND I WAS ALSO AFRAID I WOULD TELL the OLDER SISTER SHE WOULD EVENTUALLY GO BLIND and DEPRESS HER …

SO I GOT MY A## OUT of THERE … ESCPECIALLY BEFORE WINTER SET IN … CAN YOU IMAGINE SPENDING a WHOLE WINTER with NELLIE OLSEN?

BEING FROM CALIFORNIA, I KNEW I HAD TO GET BACK HOME … SO WE ENDED UP in SAN FRANCISCO ON THAT SHOW “CROWDED HOUSE” … BUT LIKE I SAID, I GET “CLAUSTROPHIC” IN CROWDED PLACES …

UNCLE JESSIE SEEMED ALL RIGHT BUT that BOB SAGET GUY ANNOYS the HELL OUT of ME and that OTHER GUY SCREWED OVER ALANNIS MORISETTE and just the thought of her or that song disturbs me …

and TWO SUPER RICH CLONE TWIN GIRLS DISTURB ME, and THAT LADY WHO WENT TO PRISON TRYING TO GET HERE KID INTO U.S.C. IRKs ME … I mean SC … seriously?

YIIIIIKES !!!

PLUS THAT SHOW WAS in the 1980s … and “TECHNICALLY” DID NOT PROPERLY “FIT” MY 1970s SIT-COM DREAM SCENARIO …

SO I GOT BACK INTO MY DREAM MACHINE TRUCK with Fred and Lamont and ENDED UP CLOSER to HOME ON “The STREETS of SAN FRANCISCO“.

THAT ONE GUY WITH the HUGE NOSE was a GREAT ACTOR … and that “other guy” played that rich jerk in that Oliver Stone movie … NOT REAL “FUNNY” …

PLUS THAT WAS A COP SHOW, NOT A “SIT COM” … SO I GOT OUT OF THERE QUICK BEFORE “DIRTY HARRY” SHOT MY A## …

SO I ENDED UP CLOSER BACK to “HOME” in L.A., AT THIS PLACE CALLED a “M.A.S.H.” HOSPITAL

AT FIRST, IT SEEMED PRETTY COOL. The GUY WHO RAN the CAMP was a DETECTIVE on DRAGNET WHO TURNED OUT BEING KIND of “SMART A##” FUNNY and “FOLK-sy” HUMOR …

BUT the REST of the CAMP was VERY “DISTURBING”.

FIRST, SOME TRAVESTITE DUDE from TOLEDO WAS GUARDING the PLACE. NOT ONLY WAS HE A BAD DRESSER, BUT HE DID NOT SHAVE MUCH. NOT EXACTLY “MUST SEE TV” BY MY ADMITTTEDLY LOW T.V. WATCHING STANDARDS.

IT ENDED UP THAT MIDGET CLERK GUY NAMED “SONAR” RAN the PLACE.

WHEN the DOCTORS WE’RENT DRINKING, PLAYING PRACTICAL JOKES ON EACH OTHER and MAKING POMPOUS and PRETENTIOUS POLITICAL COMMENTARY, OR THAT OTHER DOCTOR COUPLE WERE HAVING SEX in an EXTRA-MARITAL AFFAIR.

IS IT “ME” OR DOES A FOREIGN WAR WITH STRANGE AMERICANS “PLAYING DOCTOR” NOT SEEM THAT FUNNY. SORRY.

THEM’s “JUST the FACTS” MAM.

THEN FRED and LAMONT DROPPED MY OFF BACK at “MY PLACE” IN LOS ANGELES to END the “PERFECT” 1970s SITCOM DREAM

THEN I STARTED to DREAD FUTURE “DREAM STOPS”

1980s COP SHOWS?

1970s PRIVATE DETECTIVES?

1960s FAMILY “DRAMAS”?

AN the “IRON-ical” THING IS I DO NOT WATCH MUCH T.V. ANYMORE NOW THAT I AM “OLD” …

I LISTEN to RADIO … WHICH MAKES ME “REALLY OLD” …

I “HATED” LUCY and DEFINITELY DID NOT “LOVE RAYMOND”, SO GO FIGURE

AND I RARELY “DREAM ANYMORE” … OR AT LEAST “REMEMBER” MANY “DREAMS” I HAVE ANYMORE …

MY LIFE is a “MESS” and MY DREAMS are a “NIGHTMARE”

SORRY … I PROMISE NEVER to SHARE MY DREAMS AGAIN …

YET, FOR SOME STRANGE REASON, I AM “HAPPY, JOYOUS and FREE” … DO NOT PITY ME … I AM NOT a “VICTIM”

HAVE BEEN GIVEN “GRACE and PEACE” from some “strange” source

GO FIGURE …

AYE, CAUMBA